second day back in kuala pilah.

I recall this scene a few weeks ago where my dad was teasing my neighbor. Poor kid, cant be older than 5, (estimation and approximation have always not been my areas of expertise….perhaps I lack the gene that code them onto certain parts of the brain) robbed of happiness (at least momentarily). My dad went “puasa tak? siapa tak puasa tak boleh raya…” Surely this kid tak puasa. He didn’t answer my dad and my dad kept probing him. I didn’t get to see his face (the whole scene was more audio than video to me anyway) but I could hear in his voice he was almost reduced to tears. He went to his dad in an attempt to find comfort and to tell him that it wasn’t true- that he would still be allowed to raya although he tak puasa. His dad unfortunately, wasn’t the solace he was looking for. Instead of taking the kid into his arms and saying “oh you poor boy, it’s ok. uncle jamel was just pulling your leg.”; he joined hands with my dad. He went “ ayah tak tau, uncle jamel yang cakap…. tanya uncle jamel… boleh raya ke tak?” and this kid was scared I could tell. The fact that he wouldn’t be able to experience the joy of raya, the fact that he would not be allowed to- these devastate him. So my dad in the end tried to console the boy. He said “dah beli baju raya ke belum? kalau dah beli boleh raya”. The boy’s dad also took part to turn things around. He told his son “ok, uncle jamel kata boleh raya.” I didn’t hear any response from the kid. But I suppose that he didn’t burst out crying was a good enough sign. And anyway I’m sure by the end of the day he’d already have forgotten.

I envy the simplicity. A thing such as raya makes his heart jumps and for somebody to deny him of that, it just crushes him. Happiness and contentment ride alongside when you’re his age. Adults get to think, and they separate these two, and they get few and fewer happiness, and a gemstone of contentment thrown in between widely spaced centuries.

There is a sorrow tugging at my heart. I could describe it as a child. I wrote the above story a few days before raya. I didn’t feel like putting it up after I didn’t manage to complete the last sentence satisfactory to my own reading at the time I wanted to post it. But now I revisit it to let it live its intended course- I like this piece of memory and it makes me want to share.

As of the very moment of writing this, I feel so very unstable. It is not a pleasant feeling though it is more likely that I do not feel.

I have drowsy eyes too. It’s better I sleep this off. Goodnight.