Not that anyone really cares or pays attention

But heck I'm my biggest fan anyway. I actually found the letter I sent to my ex Dep Dean!



9/5/2007

forgive me if this is nonsensical. and i hope this doesn't change our current dynamics of professor-student, but i need to ask:

does it get better?

context:

relationships. of all kinds. when things are great, they are great, but when they aren't, i always feel so hopeless, and that's not cool. and when i look around me, when i look at those who have matured and have lived an almost-full life (because you can't say someone has lived a full life without also saying they're dead) i always wonder if its because things have gotten better, or they've learned to cope better. is it possible to have everything if you work and pray hard enough? by everything i mean, being paid to do something i am passionate about, having a little cubby hole of my own, having a happy functioning marriage, taking care and having a good relationship with my parents and siblings, still keeping my old friends and possibly have new ones, being able to take a vacation every now and then...

i mean, i don't believe in unconditional love for special relationships per se. i think you need that initial attraction, and then after that it's hard work and commitment to keep things alive and kicking. but if its so hard, does it mean its going to be worth it, or if its so hard, it's probably not going to happen? and even friendships. i feel like there's this routine. when i am with them, i'm so happy. and then its like, i have a friendship hangover when they're gone. i don't understand why i have such a strong need to be with people, to tell people things, to do things with them, even if those things are really nothing at all...i just can't be alone for longer than 10 minutes. i think it puts me at a disadvantage when i allow myself to be that attached to people. especially when they are people who are male in gender. but i digress.

i watched lost in translation, and i remember scarlett johansson asking bill murray something about this. though i think she asked, 'does it get easier?' i don't remember if she was referring to life or her marriage. but i think, each time i talk about something like this with a friend, i end up with more questions than answers. not that i'm looking for any definite answers... i don't know. i'm just a bit confused right now. about where i'm going. about who i was born into. who i'm supposed to be with.

another reason why i am pestering you about these life-questions is... you seem like a person who has a sense of humor, so at worst, you will laugh this off. :) at best... i'll get some of that great advice from the wise thing that people rave about :)

--

while I don't remember the exact contents of the email (until I found it 5 minutes ago) I do remember how I felt writing it. I was just really hungry, nay starving, for reassurance. The kind that only some powerful being (or so I perceived) could provide. I don't remember what triggered my feelings of being lost, but knowing myself in college (heck now even) it was probably a boy.

And do you know what he answered two days later?

Of course it will. Come and talk to me when you are back here in Kuantan.

And then he forwarded me some joke about old people shooting burglars.

Did I go see him? Not immediately. And then when I did, it was to discuss something else and we never spoke about the email.

Tonight, 3 years later I realize now though he intended them as such, his words weren't reassurance.

I remember receiving that email, and feeling like a few red bricks dropped off my head and my mind was free. I think I believed those words with such force that they became a tacit and fervent prayer.

Does it get better?
Of course it will.
Of course it will.
Of course it will!

*sigh* and then 5 months and 20 days later my dad died. But death of a beloved is a complicated matter. (I remember now, I went to his office and talked about my dad)

I guess I should write him an email to thank him for those words, but I won't because it will be watered down at best, and suspicious at worst.