adieu

Change.

Last Friday my office held a small farewell party for me. On the way back from morning court session to the office, at the back of my mind there were tonnes of things that I looked forward to - of going to a new place and meeting new people and doing different work. I was so excited that I never really paid attention to "leaving".

So when I was asked to give a goodbye speech, I didn't have it planned and prepared. I knew the usual "Thank you everyone" "I'm sorry if I ever hurt you" "I hope we'll keep in touch" "Pray for me" etc - therefore I wasn't too worried about it. I mean isn't it just a speech?

I started with "Thank you everyone for holding this party for me. I appreciate it very much. Thank you for your co-operation and guidance throughout my three years here. I have learnt a lot from each of you - both professionally and personally. I'm sorry for any wrongdoings."

And then I chocked up. I could feel that my next line would tremble. Instead of composing myself I went on to say "Oh God I think I'm going to cry."

And I did. I cried. I wasn't sobbing but tears were definitely falling down my cheek. Like waterfall. And I made everyone cried too! Well not everyone, but most of them - including Dato'.

At that point I realised that I love these guys, they have been so nice to me. I love my workplace, I just hate the work. I will miss our breakfast at the canteen, tea time at the pantry. I will miss our conversations at Kak Rozi's room or in Pn Fariza's car or Tn Sazilee's school bus. I will miss their silly jokes, and advice on life. I will miss "flying" to go shopping or watching movie. I will miss everyone and those moments.

I knew my decision to leave isn't about the pay. It has never been. I could stay on a small paying job and still feel happy and contented. I came across this while blog walking and couldn't agree more:

Tetapi kalau kita rasa nilai kenikmatan hidup kita adalah pada berapa banyak duit kita dapat, maka aku tak boleh nak cakap apa kecuali kita tak akan rasa duit kita akan cukup. Kekadang, nilai hidup kita ada depan mata kita dan bukan pada kertas sekeping atau dua keping.

I have to leave because I don't like my work. I feel stuck. I'm not going to go into details and list down every single thing that I dislike about my job. But like Tn Kevin told me "Girl, you need to be mentally stimulated. Staying on in this job will slowly kill you inside." Ditto.

I thought I would bitch about my work when I met with my GM at the new place right after the farewell party. He asked about what I do not like about my current job. But instead I told him "I think I would like to keep it to myself. I don't think it's my place to say bad things about my current place." It wasn't about being politically correct; it's just that where I am now, I don't have bad words for my job.

While typing down this entry, I'm feeling a tinge of sadness. I could cry if I want to. I can blame PMS for the melancholy, but I too, know that I honestly feel what I'm feeling right now. Someone told me that "You're sad to leave because of the happy moments." One of the reasons perhaps.

I thank God for the opportunity that He gave to me to meet with these good people. Alhamdulillah.