It's hard to be objective

Especially when you are evaluating yourself. I was trying to figure out whether I am, if weighed on a scale, good or bad. Say if there was a cut off line, a threshold, where my collection of pros and cons listed down side by side on paper would result into my being kept or chucked by whoever was listing it.

I think a definite pro is that I am easy to please. The trick is to know what I like. And I do like simple things. I like funny things. I like being made to chuckle or laugh. Truth be told, I hold it a bit against you if I don't find you funny. I find you funny or I find you boring. Because interesting people are almost always funny. Of course I try to be charitable. And I am almost always respectful to elderly. Unless the elderly person is a complete jackass. I like good, not necessarily expensive, food. I do love sushi, that happens to be expensive. But other than that I'm pretty cheap. My favorite taufoofah is still the 70-cents-a-bowl taufoofah sold at Pasar Majmuk in Kuantan. This relates to a second pro about me.

I'm pretty thrifty. You can see my work on a session of grocery shopping. I've learned from my grandmother that there's no cutting money for value (I copy down recipes from her where she lists down ingredients by brand, e.g. secawan Buttercup, dua cawan Tepung Cap Sauh). I will buy the more expensive thing if I know it has better quality. But if I can't tell or don't care either way, I will take the cheapest version of the thing. I'm not a spendthrift, I don't list shopping as a hobby. I buy what I need on sale. The last article I bought myself that wasn't food was a pair of socks last month. In fact if I went on a Treat Yo Self day, I would likely do a Ben Wyatt and buy bras. (But I'd rather buy an expensive videocamera than a Batman costume. Did I not tell you once I wanted to be a Film Director?)

I have a good sense of humor-- I've been known to make people laugh. I like to point out the comedy in situations wittily and maybe my timing isn't so bad. That's what makes a funny a funny right?

Ok I'm out of pros for now. But let's see some cons.

The flipside of being easy to please is that I am also easy to hurt, easy to disappoint. I think it was Margaret Atwood who penned the phrase "easy to please, difficult to protect". A harsh word said in the wrong tone will have me offended for days. A romantic gesture unresponded will make me want to cry. Being ignored makes it hard for me to think about anything else. But I won't tell you about it, I usually try to nurse my own wounds. But of course, things keep piling up until suddenly I get super emo and confrontational about a trigger. That relates to another con.

I am passive aggressive. Trust me, this trait annoys me the most. I wish I could just be one of those people who are calm and forgiving or furious and shouting. If I could actually have my wish come true, I'd rather be the former than the latter. I think. But you might call the extreme of that being a pushover who never gets anything. And bitches tend to get their way. I want to be sweet and also get my way. Cannot ke? So I guess I will be calm, but not forgiving. Furious, but mumbling words. And every now and then I will send the cold reprimanding text when I feel safe enough to do so.

Or maybe I'd just like to not be hurt. And to give myself credit, (we're switching gears back to pros) I am a reasonable person. If it's something that can't be helped, I can suck it up. Of course, a little grace goes a long way. Don't tell me "my leave was rejected, but oh well, it's a bad time to go to Thailand anyway." Say "sorry, my leave was rejected-- I know you were looking forward to going, we'll try to go another time." I've been gracious about missed airport send offs because of work, because I knew you were sorry about it too. I think twice about asking to go out, because I know you're tired. But don't be double standard about it. Don't be too tired to go out with me and make everything you do with me sound like a bloody chore, but not too tired to run around running errands late at night with your friend. I can't be reasonable about that. I refuse. And that relates back to another con.

I am stubborn. Hard-headed. That also makes me a rigid planner (but to be fair, I don't know anyone who takes plan changes very well after THEY did all the planning. It just so happens that people like to let me do all the thinking, but then say I am a rigid planner when all my planning goes to shit.)And when I know I'm right, I will defend that. I will not change just because people tell me I should or because that's what is expected. I can be respectful and I can try to act a bit. I will only change if I believe it is a justified change. (and preferably, on my own initiative and not after being lectured.)

Finally, another main con is that I am selfish. My first priority is myself. No one else is looking out after me, other than my mother probably. And we've definitely had conflicting opinions over what is best for me so I've realized I am my own keeper. I will try my best not to transgress another party's rights in my quest to protect my own, but if a choice had to be made I defend my own.

So that is that. I don't know if any of the above is objective at all. I don't know if I'm good or bad. If I'm worth keeping or easier chucked. Time will tell. Maybe it's not even an issue of good or bad. Maybe I am who you make me.