The love -hate relationship

Lately I feel like I am stuck in multiple love-hate relationships. Center on the stage is my PhD. 

I love tuberculosis. I love that its such a sneaky pathogen, so persistent, so ancient, so omnipresent. Love that the pathogenesis and interaction with the human immune system is still such a mystery even though its so bloody ancient.

Hate that it's such a tough disease to work with. Hate that my PhD is so results dependent. Hate that I have a year left, and don't think I'll get the intended results. I know, what's new? Who gets to achieve their neat little aims anyway. I dunno. It's all bleak right now. I just need a paper published to make me feel better. For five seconds when I get the news anyway. After that it's back to the cold hard reality that nothing is working.

Then, there's living in Melbourne. Voted best city in the world, and it is very nice to live here. But in April I'll have lived here for 2 years. I typically get itchy feet and don't want to stay somewhere longer than 2 years. I guess the difference is now that I have Omar, Melbourne itself feels like a brand new city. The things that speak to me are different from what used to before I had Omar. Now my eyes are drawn to the kid-friendly photo-opportunistic events and activities; things I never noticed before. I love that, to be excited about all these things for my son. On the other hand I hate that I'm filled with apprehension. Melbourne is now a city full of threats. I'm a scaredy cat and I've been afraid of the dark before. But now it's quadrupled. And these events and activities I could be doing with Omar, I don't do as much as I want to because I am ever conscious that I am alone with him. If anything happens, I couldn't handle it. So I stay at home unless I had to go out, or if I can go out with a friend. It's not even about the friend doing anything per se, it's just the presence of another rational adult.

There are others, of course. Some are pretty petty that I don't want to write here. Some are too big to write here. Suffice it to say, I've been emotionally (and physically) exhausted lately.

Ok, baby picture time.

Omar is attacking a small city at his daycare.