My embarassing admission is...

1) In truth I am not a nice person. Not generally. I will go the distance for you if I love you, but I can slam the door on someone asking for donations for handicapped children. (but fyi, Mr Do Gooder, you probably missed the memo that handicapped is now a derogatory term.)

2) I am also rather jealous. I don't mind that my husband still salivates over Rachel Weisz (as long as he doesn't over do it), and I don't think "Bitch" when I see pictures of someone that has lost a lot of weight. But I DO automatically feel BAD when someone else has received something I want. And I have an impulse to show these people up-- especially when these people are people a) who I don't like b) who I don't like, but don't know why c) who I think don't deserve it.

Showing people up is rather hard to do when you are me, and don't have that much to show up WITH-- and I never was comfortable with blatant show upping offiness. What I do do (hehe dudu) is: covertly find and expose any hidden flaws behind the 'shiny' thing that I am jealous over (read:the purchase of a new house, the acceptance of a paper in a journal, the acceptance to a great famous grad school) -- and when I find the hidden flaw that I found after considerable semi-psychotic sleuthing, I will go Ahah! (the house is on tanah lombong! or the journal has no impact factor! the school is in the midwest!) I'm not so jealous anymore.

3) I have very poor cleaning skills. No this is not coy humility talking. This is a slow realization of something rather scary and awkward: I CAN'T CLEAN VERY WELL. I say many times over that I love washing dishes. But apparently I can't wash them very clean. Or at least the sink ALWAYS STILL looks gunky and gross when I'm done. Whereas mothers and others seem to clean them to a squeaky affect. I can't clean bathrooms very well, I can't sweep very well, I've given up completely on vacuuming. And dusting? What is that?

4)I have resorted to using ajinomoto in my cooking. A shred of me dies when I sprinkle a bit of the MSG into food (along with each follicle of hair that presumably dies along with the ingestion of the MSG molecules). But in my defense, I used to cook with barely any salt back when I was cooking for myself and Sarah only-- but these Malay people I live with and married are much harder to please. Also, it was because I learned that my grandmothers (on both sides, mother in law, aunt, neighbor, agent, and postman use ajinomoto in their cooking hence the lack of ajinomoto in my cooking makes it decidedly UNTASTY. And when people grumble over the food you cooked... It. Hurts.
As a humorous caveat though: I'm perfectly fine inhaling MSG by the buckets if it's through instant noodles or in restaurant food. It's the physical act of ME putting clear crystals that are not SALT or SUGAR that bothers me.

5)I don't really like kids. I know I used to say that before, when I think I thought I was doing a 'reverse psychology' with fate-- like saying I don't wanna get married, and I don't want kids because those are the things I actually want.
Now... I realize, barring my little sister (who isn't so little anymore), and a few special kids who seem to love me without my needing to bribe them, I really don't like kids.

6)I'm immature and selfish. And I have little remorse over this, and I don't feel the need to grow up and become selfless. In fact it is my opinion and fervent hope that people around me will become more selfless to accommodate my selfishness. I think this may tie in to numbers 1,2 and 5. But I definitely almost ALWAYS want to come up ahead in anything. Especially when fighting through a crowd to get into the KTM. Bear in mind, my sense of self-righteous 'well mannered and civic conscious' ness prevents me from whaling on people at the train's doorway, instead I stoicly try to hold back the crowd behind that are having the same whaling-impulse to allow others to exit. But really. It's only because their exit gives more space.


-end catharsis sorta-