dejection tastes like biting into a chocolate covered rusty pipe

As I am writing this, I am feeling amused, listening to The Kook's cover of Young Folks and thinking, "Yeah we don't care about the old folks, talking bout their old stuff!" but not long ago, i.e. 4 days ago, you can ask Shazzy, I was flipping out grandly and feeling like a little bit of cockroach stuck between the bathroom tile and a selipar jepun ganas.

I don't want to whine, but honestly, I am not sure if I'm cut out for a career in academia. Too many people in it, standards too high. And I'm not good enough right now, yet I am inclined to be competitive. I am also a newbie. And newbs should take in frank criticism with stride, paying dues, learning from mistakes and whatnot. But wow--learning from mistakes does hurt. And leaves a horrible after taste in the mouth (refer to title).

Work stress CAN keep me up at night! That almost makes me shiver with excitement, so grown up.

In other news, I like my grandparents. I'm glad that at 27years old, 3/4ths of mine are still alive, though I wish my deceased grandfather were alive. He died before I could know and develop a working memory of him. Regardless, I don't see the ones that are still alive as often as I should, but I'm glad it seems that we have a healthy relationship and I don't bring worry to them. I wonder how I will be when I am old. I realize my grandmother I used to live with is now 64, and my grandfather is 73. My other grandmother is 93. Other than common old people ailments, there is something very functional and complete about their lives that I envy. My grandmother still cooks up a storm in the kitchen despite having gout. My grandfather still rides his motorcycle a stretch of 62km from Tanah Merah to Tumpat to collect rent. My other grandmother still remembers ancient details about my dad, and is aso up to date with breaking news that I myself had no idea about, and her comments are always very intelligent. I wonder how they would've turned out in their old age had they my opportunities and if they lived in my time. I wonder how I will be when I am old. I wonder if I will ever be old.

I also like talking to my husband before going to sleep. I like that we are becoming good friends. It's funny how a relationship evolves... from infatuation, to getting to know the object of your infatuation, to love, to marriage, to learning how to love the person you married after marrying them, to re-getting to know the person you love and married, and now entering the phase of familiarity and camaraderie. But occasionally, it's nice to know your husband thinks you as "perempuan cun".

Okay, I guess it's back to pretending to work.