For some things, I know planning is futile. For others, I think it is essential for fruition.
There are different levels of planning, and I think they suit the circumstance. If I had to label myself between a planner and a non-planner, I am more of a planner.
For holidays, barring an actual schedule, I plan to the T. Time is precious, mistakes are costly, and resources are always limited. So good tight planning is a necessity. Alhamdulillah, I have been quite fortunate that most of my holidays have worked out "just as or better than" how I planned them. I know planning sounds unappealing to people who want to be spontaneous, who want moments to happen organically rather than willed to life. But I find that moments I do not and cannot plan for happen all the time, but my planning provided the opportunity for them to appear.
Then there is the kind of passive planning where I do not stick dates or venues to things, but rather just imagine them. I imagined at some point, doing a Master's overseas. I had also "planned" on working for Peace Corps after/ as part of my Master's, but in the process leading up to my Master's I found the man I wanted to marry and decided I wanted our relationship more than a couple of years trying to serve an underserved population. I did not imagine doing my PhD straight after, not the least in Australia. But I imagined having a child in a place with four seasons, ready playgrounds, nice libraries. I was fortunate to have those memories (some only via pictures), and I wanted my child/children to have such memories too. I did not imagine living and working in USM Penang. But I did imagine having a career not unlike a lecturer's. I did not imagine marrying a pilot. But I did imagine, in my daydreams of children and married life, that I would have long stretches with my children without their father.
I never imagined I would lose my dad so early. But I remember imagining my wedding, and not seeing him there.
I don't know how much of my "life imagination" is a coincidence, vs thinking things to life, vs rough premonition.
Just now, I started imagining Omar as an adult, writing about his parents. He would be successful in his own right, and he would muse that we were one of those people who went into "early retirement" in our mid fifties-- but in actuality just quit our day jobs to do our hobbies for some money, in between holidays, whenever we felt like it. He would reflect how, as a child, being raised by someone who had to write papers and apply for grants all the time, meant that whenever he wanted a new toy or gadget, he had to present a proper proposal to be considered for funding. Books he could have for free, because books are resources not rewards. Having a dad who was always away in a different part of the world half of his life, meant he created a legendary character and a myth in his mind-- who he always looked up to, feared even, but made him aspire for the skies.
It ended there with me wondering what being married well into the golden years would truly feel like. Whether we had what it takes.
----
I often find myself imagining a nice future when I feel a bit helpless about the present.
Hopefully one day I will reflect on this and smile wistfully.
There are different levels of planning, and I think they suit the circumstance. If I had to label myself between a planner and a non-planner, I am more of a planner.
For holidays, barring an actual schedule, I plan to the T. Time is precious, mistakes are costly, and resources are always limited. So good tight planning is a necessity. Alhamdulillah, I have been quite fortunate that most of my holidays have worked out "just as or better than" how I planned them. I know planning sounds unappealing to people who want to be spontaneous, who want moments to happen organically rather than willed to life. But I find that moments I do not and cannot plan for happen all the time, but my planning provided the opportunity for them to appear.
Then there is the kind of passive planning where I do not stick dates or venues to things, but rather just imagine them. I imagined at some point, doing a Master's overseas. I had also "planned" on working for Peace Corps after/ as part of my Master's, but in the process leading up to my Master's I found the man I wanted to marry and decided I wanted our relationship more than a couple of years trying to serve an underserved population. I did not imagine doing my PhD straight after, not the least in Australia. But I imagined having a child in a place with four seasons, ready playgrounds, nice libraries. I was fortunate to have those memories (some only via pictures), and I wanted my child/children to have such memories too. I did not imagine living and working in USM Penang. But I did imagine having a career not unlike a lecturer's. I did not imagine marrying a pilot. But I did imagine, in my daydreams of children and married life, that I would have long stretches with my children without their father.
I never imagined I would lose my dad so early. But I remember imagining my wedding, and not seeing him there.
I don't know how much of my "life imagination" is a coincidence, vs thinking things to life, vs rough premonition.
Just now, I started imagining Omar as an adult, writing about his parents. He would be successful in his own right, and he would muse that we were one of those people who went into "early retirement" in our mid fifties-- but in actuality just quit our day jobs to do our hobbies for some money, in between holidays, whenever we felt like it. He would reflect how, as a child, being raised by someone who had to write papers and apply for grants all the time, meant that whenever he wanted a new toy or gadget, he had to present a proper proposal to be considered for funding. Books he could have for free, because books are resources not rewards. Having a dad who was always away in a different part of the world half of his life, meant he created a legendary character and a myth in his mind-- who he always looked up to, feared even, but made him aspire for the skies.
It ended there with me wondering what being married well into the golden years would truly feel like. Whether we had what it takes.
----
I often find myself imagining a nice future when I feel a bit helpless about the present.
Hopefully one day I will reflect on this and smile wistfully.
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